All In The Name Of Science: Naruto, eat your heart out

For my penultimate day, I decided to travel to Iga Ueno, famous home of the Iga ninja clan, on the logic that this timing would let me escape Japan quickly if I inadvertently angered them. While Iga is one of Japan's two greatest ninja schools, its actual location is in a small, unassuming town in the middle of Japanese countryside, achieved via a long and tranquil train journey with many changeovers.

Flat plains, with impressive hills in the background, characterise the Japanese countryside. They make for beautiful views from the train window.

Upon arriving in Iga Ueno (did I mention the many changeovers?), I was promptly issued with a helpful map by the nearby tourist information office worker, and learned that, apart from the Ninja Museum, the town was also home to its very own castle. Or, to be precise, an exact all-wood reconstruction thereof made by a concerned citizen in 1945. The Japanese really are amazing people in some ways.

Iga ninja are taught basic capture and retrieval techniques from a young age.

After evading the deadly child ninja, I discovered the Iga Sightseeing Guide Group, a bunch of English-speaking volunteers present for no other purpose than to introduce Westerners to the wonders of Iga Ueno. I was very impressed, and let Tsuuji (physics teacher by day, ninja scholar by weekend) guide me around (though, in the event, I could gather most of what was going on with my own Japanese anyway). He first led me to a ninja show, where ninja re-enactors (some of them with professional TV careers, others aiming for them, and at least one stuntman) demonstrated ninja weapons and techniques in a simultaneously very cool and occasionally humorous way. It is one of the biggest regrets of my life that I didn't have enough memory in my camera to video the whole thing, because all the coolest bits happened too fast to photograph.

Of particular note was the highly enthusiastic sound man, who possessed an excellent sense of timing, such that every sword blow was accompanied with a "swish" or a "clang", and all the combat was punctuated with comically exaggerated noises (mitigated by the fact that the actual fighting looked amazing). I particularly loved the group's sense of humour, from the man whose fake wig was sheared off by a katana blow, only to reveal an even more fake bald patch, to the one who ended up with a blade stuck in a...very inappropriate place, and rewarded the kid who pulled it out for him with a free brochure. And, of course, there was the experience of entering the ninja training grounds, only to be met with the "light-hearted chase sequence" theme from Naruto (one reader at least will know it as the Ramen Delivery Theme). I love it when it feels like the universe is doing something "just for me".

By the way, there was no effective way to photograph this, but the sharpness of the katanas was demonstrated in the traditional way, by soaking straw mats in water until they attained the toughness and consistency of a human neck, and then effortlessly slicing them into shreds. If you ever wondered what those yellow cylinders are that swordsmen practice their slashes on: now you know.

Check that grouping out. The shurikens were thrown in a one-two-three sequence, from a distance you wouldn't believe. Incidentally, shurikens were a poisoned last-resort weapon, so a ninja would only usually carry one (unlike anime).

A ninja scabbard has a long ribbon affixed to it. By placing the scabbard over the end of the katana, and guiding with the ribbon, a ninja can scope out unlit rooms for traps or unseen guards, and get the first strike if necessary. (by the way, if a ninja gets the first strike, no second strike is needed)

Travelling ninja would employ many disguises while gathering information, including as entertainers. This one is effortlessly juggling four sickles - commonly available farming tools in rural Japan.He could also embed them several inches into a hardened straw mat from long range.

Another trick involves rolling a coin around the top of a parasol. Naturally, the handle contains a deadly blade.

Having paid witness to the revelation of ancient ninja secrets and somehow survived, Tsuuji and I moved on to the star attraction - an authentic ninja house. It is believed to have been used for gunpowder-making, as gunpowder technology was the most closely-guarded secret of medieval Japan, and the ninja its greatest experts. It is designed with both easy escape and swift disposal of invaders in mind, with many false walls, hidden exits and observation rooms, weapons caches and the like. Though only a two-floor house (one floor to an onlooker from outside), it contains enough ninja know-how for a small citadel. Incidentally, now that it works as a museum, all features are helpfully explained with (initially concealed) English signs.

Note the abalone shells on the roof - apart from preventing fire and bringing good fortune according to superstition, they also reflect sunlight to blind anyone attempting to spy on the house from a distance.

Finally, my journey brought me to the museum section, accessible through a hidden underground passage from the main house. Here, extensive dual-language notices accompanied the greatest collection of ninja equipment in the world (allegedly) as well as extensive information on the history and life of the ninja.

Examples of the various classic ninja disguises, from priest to farmer to entertainer. For example, priests often wore long-brimmed hats which could helpfully disguise one's face, while entertainers' musical instruments could easily be replaced with concealed-weapon ones (which, remarkably, could still make the desired sounds).

Blue Peter presenters, hang your heads in shame as the Iga ninja turn four ordinary sickles and a rope into a perfect grappling hook.

An arsenal of ninja lockpicks. Similarly-sized implements also existed for sealing doors to prevent guards from entering.

Portable sconces could be quickly wedged into walls to provide illumination.

Classic ninja claws, useful both for climbing and for combat.

The ninja katana, unlike a samurai katana, has a straight blade in order to penetrate samurai armour. Note also the square hilt - this can be used to turn the sword into a stepping stone for wall-climbing. Afterwards, the ninja retrieves it using the ribbon attached to the scabbard, and no evidence remains.

Pursuit-slowing caltrops could be made not only from metal, but also from a certain easily-available kind of plant.

Shuriken come in a great variety of shapes and sizes, allowing for individual customisation and...yeah, I have no idea why there are so many kinds. This set doesn't even scratch the surface.

Did I mention that the ninja were Japan's elite gunpowder experts? Such was their prowess with rifles, pistols and a grand variety of grenade-type tools that after their information-gathering and assassination services were no longer called for in more peaceful times, they effortlessly made the transition into marksman corps.

But ninja do even guns in style. The above knife is actually a ready-to-fire pistol.

A very brief sampler of anti-ninja defences used in samurai houses.

A ninja lantern, stabilised so that the candle remains upright no matter how you hold it.

Yes, ninja lunchboxes long predate Naruto merchandising Their shape was curved so as to stick close to the ninja's body.

In case you ever doubted that ninja were incredible in every possible way.

It is reassuring to know that I have the ideal build for a ninja. Now if only I actually had strength and fitness too. And someone to train me. By the way, did you know all ninja were vegetarian?

The tree of ninja history encompasses many unexpected sources, including the mysticism of mountain hermits and Sun Tzu's The Art of War.

After an exciting and action-filled chase sequence which I am sadly unable to describe here, I escaped the ninja's domain with my photos (which include many secrets I have not posted on this blog). Thereafter, a charming woman from the Sightseeing Group, whose name I have sadly forgotten (it ends in "ko", but that goes for 70% of Japanese women), guided me around Ueno Castle.

As castles go, it was pretty but ultimately underwhelming. After the fascinating history of Osaka and the towering grandeur of Himeji, it was...just a castle. Still, it had a few decent items of historical interest.

Ueno Castle moat. Ninja scale this sort of thing before breakfast, as light exercise.

The castle itself. By now you will have noted a number of structural and aesthetic similarities.

This sacred helmet bestows upon its wearer the terrible power of the usagi or Japanese rabbit.

Samurai armour, heavy and many-layered but ultimately highly effective against anything short of a ninja. Actually, it begs the question of why samurai and ninja blades differ, given that both were designed for use on samurai.

Samurai helmets were the obvious way to identify one's liege on the battlefield, as well as handy status symbols.

The jitte, though used by ninja among others, became popular during the Tokugawa era as policemen's batons due to their usefulness in disarming swordsmen.

This tiny thing is a full-size carriage, of the sort used by travelling nobility. I can't believe anyone can ride it without intense claustrophobia.

A rare close-up shot of the elusive Mystery Castle Fish.

Formal clothing belonging to the castle's masters. Note the family crest, a vital part of Japanese formalwear to this day (kimono-wise, at least).

Bonus Japanese gargoyles decorated the castle parapets.

Medieval noblewomen's hair decorations.

View from the top of Ueno Castle. I love views from high places, as I may have mentioned before.

The remarkable man who rebuilt the castle received paintings from some of Japan's most prominent artists as gifts. In particular, the painting of the full moon is worth several zillion yen if sold. Since the top floor was deserted, this picture was taken lying on the floor looking up, as my guide suggested. It was a deeply peaceful experience (plus I got to break unwritten rules and get away with it).

A friend of my guide's is a maker of this traditional style of Kansai pottery. Its organic imperfection is characteristic of Japanese aesthetics.

Apparently, shaping an item like this one takes minutes. Completing the baking and glazing process takes weeks.

And finally, some miscellaneous observations from my journey back:

This mural of a mysterious ninja train was hanging in the train station.

The money obtained from this vending machine is used to support the Kunoichi (female ninja), Iga Ueno's football team.

The train station platform. Residents really do take their heritage seriously.

Sadly, most of you will not be able to appreciate the weirdness of Cheburashka, Soviet Russia's hit puppet animation TV series star, appearing on posters encouraging quiet on public transport in rural Japan. Apparently, the series is still well-known here. And was that Japanese schoolgirl really in the original series?

On the topic of animation and sponsorship, here is Detective Conan from Case Closed promoting a clue-gathering trip to local tourist sites. If only other countries took their anime so seriously...

The less giant but oddly cute spiders of Iga Ueno say hi. I am starting to wish that there was a greater variety of indigenous wildlife for me to snap. Oh, but wait until the next instalment...